I am just human. When I am happy, I laugh. When I am sad, I cry. At the same time I also can pretend that I have nothing in my mind even though I have tons and tons of things to think about. I can tell the whole world that I am not sad, even though I am crying in my heart. Yes, this is what I am doing now. And yes, I am doing this to you now.
When we are in best term, I always feel that I am the most blissful person in this world. The amount of caring and love I get is enough to make me feel that you are willing to do everything and do really care about me. But when we argue, or should I say when I am angry (as you do not like to argue with me), all the bad things, anything and everything will start floating in my mind. I always think that this is normal, as when a person is in a bad mood, he or she will start thinking about negative things. Yes, I think like this all the time.
But now, I am not able to think like that anymore. I don’t know how to put in sentence about what I am thinking right now. I felt that whenever I wanted to do something together with you, you will give me reasons and excuses which I could not deny at all and you get your way. Yes, this means we won’t be doing things which I wanted us to do. But why? Why when there are others who asked you to do the same thing which I had previously asked you to and you rejected, and now you agreed to do it with them? Who am I to be compared with them?
I know it’s unfair for me to judge you so as you sometimes did tried your best to satisfy me. You tried your best to satisfy me, but I think you tried a hundred times better to satisfy the others. Again, I lose to them. Take travelling as an example. All this while, all the 3 and the half years I spent together with you, I really want to find a travelling memory which is just belongs to you and me. I can’t. I can’t find any. I did rake my brain to think. I just can’t find any. All this while, we are stuck in my place, or your place, and the furthest, the top of the mountain. Once, we planned to visit the famous hill (yes we failed again), but the excuses and reasons you gave really makes me want to forget all about the hill (so that I won’t be that sad). Once when you are so excited to ask me to book the budget airline ticket and after when I confirmed with you again, the reasons and excuses you gave to cancel it, makes me speechless again. Once when I showed you the latest water park opened nearby, you did try to convince me that you wanted to bring me there. But as usual, the plan goes behind your head again. Once when I told you I wanted to go to the nearby neighboring country for a visit, you told me to go with my friends. Once..it will always be once..once upon a time.
And now, now you told me you are going to the neighboring country with your friends. You are going to climb the mountain with your friends. You are going to the water park I mentioned to you with your family. You are doing all these things, and all these things do not involve me at all! Why is that when I told you that I wanted to do all this with you, you can give me such effective and clever reasons to reject it, and when it’s your friends you can easily with just in a second you can agree to do it with them without even thinking. I feel that I am such a loser. I can’t be even compared with your so-call friends. I really want to find a reason for myself not to be sad. I really want to find a reason for myself to stop the tears from rolling down. I really want to find a reason for myself to forgive you. I am trying so so hard to understand you, and yet you disappoint me again and again.
I wanted you to come back to see me. You tell me your parents wanted to visit you. I got angry and you thought that I need you to bring me to watch the fireworks. I got angry again and you thought I want to celebrate some occasion with you. I give up. I really give up. Do you know why when every time you asked me what I want, I will get angry and stop talking to you? That is because I don’t want to be a sad case in front of you. I know I am definitely going to cry if we talked about it. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want you to know that I always cry just because of you. It’s not that I am afraid that you will feel guilty; I just wanna save my face. Well, you want to know, but I don’t want to tell. That’s is why all these are happening now.
I am so sorry. I really thought that you care. I really tried to find all the evidence to show me that you care as I really hope that you really do care for me. I am still trying. Or maybe this is just the negative thoughts that are lingering in my mind because I am angry at you. I hope these thoughts won’t last, as I am still putting hopes on you, hoping you to understand what I feel and what I want.
I don’t know whether I want you to read this. Maybe after you read this you can sort of know what I am thinking. Even if you don’t get to read this, it’s okay because I know everything will be back to normal again tomorrow and if I am not angry anymore, all these thoughts will disappear. And my travelling plans together with you will disappear, again, like usual. Yes, I am not going to show you that I am sad about that.
