I am just an average girl.
Had anyone heard about a song title or any song related to the title of my post? I vaguely remember there is a song which sings the heart out of an average girl. Or maybe I am just imagining it because I wanted the song to exist so much. Yeah. Pathetic for me.
I have been leading a very simple life since I am born. Simple in the sense of there is nothing like big disasters, most embarrassing situations, most awkward encounters which happened in my life. Well minus those break-ups with some guys which keeps me sad for days and a week at most. (Hope someone does not read this T_T). In other words, I am just an average girl.
I can't remember what happens in my kindergartens, so I will just skip it and start with my primary school life.
During my primary school days, I am kind of a bright girl, but not very bright compared to my classmates. I got good results, but not as good as my classmates. I wanted to be number one but always ended up be number two. I remembered once I am being boycotted for no reasons. So damn pitiful during those times where you don't have friends around you. Going to school is just like a torture to me. Lucky it ended after awhile and I am back to the gang again. Since then I am being very self-conscious with myself. I try not to speak the wrong words, I try to behave like the gang, I try to be someone they like. I guess I brought up this attitude till now. What a pathetic I am. I am just an average girl. Well, read the next story.
During my secondary school days, I get to know many great friends, but some of them leave to another school in between the school terms. I will never get along with some friends, and I know they hated me too. But I do not care. I still have my own friends, close ones and even though I do not have to be as self-conscious as previously, I still have it inside me. You just don't know what others are thinking or thinking about you. Some can just be very friendly with you and in the next minute they are gossiping about you behind your backs and they stop talking to you. I do not know the reason why, or maybe it is because of me either saying the wrong things to them or it is just a bad timing. I am an ugly girl during sec (I did not say I am pretty now, beware.) so there is no one there to pay attention on me. I was being bullied by the seniors, the first time in my whole life and I almost changed school. I took part in clubs, but I am always not the outstanding ones. I performed, I danced, I talked, but as usual I am not the best one. I am just an average girl.
And now, I am leading a college life, and I am to be considered as an adult now. My life? I am not the brightest in the class, so I won't get noticed by the lecturers. I am not the laziest in the class so I won't be noticed by lecturers. I am not the most outspoken one in class so I won't be noticed by lecturers. All this changed when I attended my Malaysian and Moral studies class with my dearest Mr Warren. I accidentally found out that he named my class as 'Denise's class'. At that time, I was so proud, the feeling of being in front of everybody feels so good. But that only last for the semester. When the class ends, my feeling ends too. Friends? I have, even though not many but is not few also. But, the attention will always never be on me. I am just a follower, or the someone who will be call just because of another someone is going. So so so pathetic. When I knew their true colors, I stop hanging out with them. Well, as if they care. I do not want to always 'follow the majority', I wanted to make my own decisions as well. But i dare not to. Because I afraid I will make someone pissed off because of that, and I do not want that to happen. Why am I so stupid, putting my own life on behalf of others? Like one of my friend always quote herself 'I am just the grass at the roadside'. Pathetic but true. Who am I to demand so much. I did not say that I do not enjoy my college life, I enjoyed it, but not to the fullest. I wanted something different. Something different from my life. I am just an average girl.
Till recently I found out something which really pissed me off, I get so fed up with these persons, I start ignoring them. Do 'you' remember I was telling you that I am having depression? All sorts of things came into my mind. It is either facts or something which I am imagining. This will happen when you become too self-conscious. When will I become my real self? I only become myself in front of few people. you and you and 'you'. Hope you know who you are =)
Well well well, enough of "I am just an average girl". Got to say bye bye now..
p/s: I wanted to go CNY shopping badly! William please remember your promise. And I wanted to watch BOLT too! Who want to go with me? :(
p/p/s: Due to great demands, I will update my blog frequently..buuahahahah *winks*
